14 things that are no longer fun in your late 20s

  

1. Shots.‬

What’s that thing where you make the poor decision to do something that you used to be able to handle fine just to prove you can still handle it, and then next thing you know you’re puking in a cab? Oh right, shots.

2. Mass texts.

No, I don’t want to go to your comedy show, and neither do any of the other acquaintances in your iPhone, you self-indulgent Workaholics extra.

3. Talking on the phone.



When you and your high school best friend went to college, it was fun having the weekly two-hour phone call to share each other’s #NewExperiences. Now it’s just like, fuck you, text me, why must I use my voice.

4. Staying out late.

I’m still young! I’m still young! I’m still y— Aaaand I’m asleep at the bar.

5. Eating shitty/hedonistically.

Because pizza every day is delicious when you have the digestive system of a young woodland sprite, and back then maybe a very greasy diet did not feel like death. But now you have an old(er) person’s digestive system and metabolism. Some late-twentysomethings still have iron stomachs, and power to them, but I cannot have Spaghetti-O and Gatorade dinners like I used to.

6. Being bored/GChatting all day at work

Yes, being bored is better than feeling like you are literally in stress-hell. But having that desk 9 to 5 where you have nothing to do but endlessly check social media actually makes the day feel so long. This is a hack you’ve figured out by now. Bring on the work.

7. Pretension.

Remember in college when you fell madly in lust with that guy who thought he was the next David Foster Wallace and incorrectly used words like “dichotomy” in class? If you met that guy now you would see an insecure boy trying too hard to have his sense of superiority validated.

8. Bitching about your parents.

Your parents, or at least one of your parents, is awesome. You did not know this until you realized recently that you are turning into your mom and it’s actually kind of great.

9. Camping out in one of those nerdy overnight lines for a concert or a show.

I like Conan, but I don’t like Conan “time to sleep on the pavement like a bag lady” much.

10. Hostels.

There is a window of time in which lying back on a bed in a dilapidated weed nest and listening to a mostly-cute-because-he’s-foreign boy play guitar sounds delightful. That time is over the day you turn 27.

11. Fast food fourthmeal after a party.

See No. 5.

12. Living in a house or apartment with 7,000 roommates.

It’s not like I hate having a community. OK, I hate having a community.

13. Da Club.

I can listen to Usher and despise humanity in my own house, for free, without heels.

14. Raves.

I can listen to Sandstorm and despise humanity in my own house, for free, without ecstasy.

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